Betrayal. Judgment. Abandonment. Slander. Holier-than-thou. Have you ever experienced these attitudes and behaviors from others? When it is from someone you did not feel close to or befriended by, it is easy to blow it off and think nothing of it. But what about when a friend, someone you enjoyed fellowship with, someone you trusted does this? It is truly devastating. David, Job and Jesus Christ all experienced this very thing. See Psalm 55:12-14; Job 19:5, 19; Luke 22:48.
Members of their inner circle hurt them. It might have been easier to accept from an enemy, but to be blind-sided by someone you thought was a friend? We read in Psalm 55:12-14: For it is not an enemy who reproaches me,Then I could bear it; Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, Then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, My companion and my familiar friend. We who had sweet fellowship together, Walked in the house of God in the throng. (NASB)
Were there signs that should have warned me of this person's heart? What did our relationship really consist of? Was it a give-give or give-take type of friendship? Were we on equal ground? How often did you hear the other person's side of things and not share much at all about yourself, but just enough to be deeply hurt? There may have been red flags that this was an unhealthy relationship, whether with a Christian or non-Christian.
Some other good questions to ask are: Did I view them as some kind of authority about something important to me? Did I view them as a father, mother, brother or sister figure because of some weakness in me? Did I pretend not to notice when I heard the cruel words, attitudes and tone of voice they used when talking to close members of their own family? Why did I pretend it did not really hurt when they were unreasonable with me? Why did I think anything I heard out of line was rare, not something that would affect me at some point? Why did I listen to all of that gossip about people I don't even know?
Unhealthy relationships are as seductive as Satan himself and we must have healthy boundaries while still being transparent to a close circle of Christian friends for accountability purposes. How do we do this? With God's grace and using the gray matter he gave us. We can ask God to make it clear to us when entering into relationships of any type if they are healthy for us. We can ask Him to reveal to us just how trustworthy someone might be.
When teaching a class on boundaries to women in crises, I tell them it is okay to initially keep our boundaries farther away from us. They are not immovable walls. Boundaries can be moved closer in toward us as we take one opportunity at a time to know if someone is trustworthy. We do not have to automatically trust someone with our whole life story, because others do, or because they attend our church. It is best to see if someone is trustworthy about something small, before affording them more trust. It is okay to take it slow and easy. This is also wise, when dealing with problematic issues about trust and feeling safe and confident around others.
The bottom line? Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7 (NASB)
